HR Wench And Boobs

Did you read the title of this post? Really?

I'm having fun right now and it might not be healthy in a long-term kind of way. When Jenn reads this post, she will either hate me forever and a day or uncontrollably roll on the floor and - between spasms of giggles - shout "what an idiot, I'm laughing so hard every fiber in my body hurts when I even try to breathe. I will never ever again eat Swiss chocolate!"

Okay, now that I wrote this flamboyant introduction, it's actually not half as wild as you might have expected.

I went to my RSS reader, checked out Wenchie's new post about staying positive while looking for a job (it's a great post, you really should check it out), thought I might add some smart-ass comment so I opened a new tab to her blog page, read the existing comments, clicked on Kerry's link and read the boob post. It's a funny post. If you work in HR, you know that it might happen. And if you work in HR long enough, you know it will happen to you eventually.

Tip: google "career change now, and-I-mean-RIGHT-NOW!"

Oh phooey, I still need to post a smart-ass comment on Wenchie's blog...
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Contest: Ugliest Tie

It's not an HR Challenge. It's just a fun little contest... for the ugliest tie.

Send me a picture of your ugliest tie. There's a few rules, and a very tough jury, but you might win a book!

Ze Rules
Send me a picture of your ugliest tie.
Condition: you must have been wearing this tie at least once in a professional setting. Srsly!

I need to see it!
Post it anywhere you like on the Interwebs. But make sure I know about it. I'll then add it to my Picasa account for everybody to see.

The jury
Ties are mostly part of a man's, man's world. This is why I asked 5 wonderful ladies to perform some jury duty:

• Meg Bear from Talentad Apps
• Cali from Cali & Jody, the wonderful ladies who brought you ROWE. And although you'll never realize it, also the ones who made sure Skynet will never conquer the world!
• HR Minion from The Awesome & Geeky HR Minion Blog
• HR Maven from the Incredibly Cool HR Maven Blog
• JT from Careerealism, because every job really is just temporary!

The book
The winner will get a book. If you win, I'll ask you to send me a link to your Amazon wishlist and you'll get a book sent to you by snail mail.

Here's my ugliest tie. I've got way uglier ties, but this is the blarghiest one I've ever been wearing at work.



Now it's up to you. Do your worst!
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Things We Would Love To Say

There are things most HR professionals would love to say from time to time. I know I do. But insulting people is (un)fortunately not in our job description ;-)

Dr. House doesn't care. He's rude, insensitive and he speaks his mind. I'm only halfway through episode 1 of the 5th season, but he already inspired me. Someday, maybe, I'll tell a line manager:

You're being an idiot!

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Tagging Season Has Started

It's tagging season again. This time I've got tagged twice. The HR Blog Diva who tagged me last December for the Christmas Meme got tagged three times. This is what happens when you become an online celebrity ;-)

The interesting thing is that both Maren Hogan and HR Maven informed me via Twitter direct message. And Maren answered the challenge via vlog (or whatever young people call these things nowadays). The times they are definitely a-changin'.

So I'm supposed to tell you six random things about myself. Luckily I'm good at saying random things...

1. I burned my arm when I was 1 year old and I still think that the scar looks kinda cool
   
2. I bought my first bass guitar when I was 16 and joined my first rock band 1 year later
3. The ironing board is still standing in my living room
4. I've had my driving license since 1991 but bought my first car this April
5. I'm trying to come up with number 5. Hey, that was random!
6. The Chief Personnel Officer at a former company gave me a Fender Stratocaster and I call her White Beauty

Bonus: I call my Black Golf "La Nera"

Now I'm supposed to tag 6 innocent bloggers...

1. Rachel Robbins
   
2. HC3
3. Claude Rinfret
4. Mr. Scrubby
5. Cali Ressler (5 random things)
   
6. Jody Thompson (5 random things)
   

Okay, I cheated a little bit with Cali & Jody because they already posted random things in August.

But you know what? Sue me! And by the way, I live in Switzerland. Good luck! A judge would probably pat you on the head, give you a lollipop and say that he finds you amusing.

And here is the Tag Policy (approved by the Executive Management):

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

*****
UPDATE
JT O'Donnell said in the comments that 5 (or 6) things were doable. So I'm also tagging her now ;-)
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Less Cheese, More Meat!

Are there still people who pretend that the Interwebs aren't any good for generating and sharing ideas?

Mark's article at HC3 Take Control Of Your Job And Your Success reminded me of an idea I had for a t-shirt. I also mentioned his article as an inspiration for my post Give Them What They Want. Mark then shared in the comments one of the reasons why he's in charge of HR for a multinational corporation:

I jumped to doing all the things in HR most just dream about when I figured out "its not all about me"...I am with you on this one, less cheese, more meat!!! [..]

By the way, "It's not about you" is the 3rd career lesson in Dan Pink's book Johnny Bunko.

And as today's grand finale, here's a terrible picture of my great idea:



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Johnny Bunko Trailer

I recently reviewed Daniel Pink's Johnny Bunko. Here's some fun bonus stuff.

HR Minion reminded me that she had been faster (and Dan Pink even left a comment). Same as with our Wanted movie reviews: hers was published 3 weeks before mine.

However, and I think this is important, I managed to mention the red stapler in both reviews ;-)

Below the infotaining Johnny Bunko trailer.

And this part still cracks me up every time I watch it:

In the 70's and 80's people asked: What color is your parachute?
In the 90's people asked: Who moved my cheese?
Now a new generation is asking a new question about their work and their lives:

WTF?!

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Alltop Thinks I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

I'm featured on Alltop HR!
And I'm allowed to display their badge on my blog!
This is awesome!

In case you didn't hear about Alltop
It's basically a homepage with lots of links to blogs. Like a blog directory.

Guy Kawasaki
But since Guy Kawasaki is involved, everything about Alltop is pretty exciting. Guy is a venture capitalist, author, used to work for Apple and so on. He's also the one who put Bob Sutton's ARSE (Asshole Rating Self-Exam) online which I used for my ARSE Challenge.

Neenz
Neenz is Alltop's gatekeeper. Convince her that you should be listed and she will add you. She's also got a great sense of humor. For example, she said that they would be honored if I added their badge to my blog. I mean, the reason I wanted to be featured in the first place was to display the "confirmation that I kick ass" badge ;-)

Okay, but what is Alltop again?
Alltop is described as a digital magazine rack of the Internet. Choose from around 180 categories and you will be presented with the top blogs on this topic. You can then hover over the title of a post to read the first sentences and click to visit the blog.

Oh yes, did I mention that Neenz is an incredibly nice gal?
(hint: check the Alltop badges)
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5 Reasons To Be Nice To The CEO's PA

My post 5 Advantages Of Being Nice To IT (And How To Do It) resulted in many more comments than usual (i.e. > 0). It must be true that using numbers in the title is a good idea ;-)

So here's why you should be nice to the CEO's Personal Assistant / Executive Assistant / Office Manager (I combined the positions because I'm lazy. Outraged comments from offended Executive Assistants are welcome).

How to be nice to the PA / EA / OM

1. Always take the time to say hello in a friendly way
2. Never ever give her flowers on Secretary Day. You can call her Assistant and maybe Coordinator, but not Secretary!
3. When she's on the phone, step away but make sure she sees you. This shows that you know what she does is important and that you will wait as long as it takes
4. When she's busy ask her if she's busy and then mention that you understand she has a tough job. Complain that nobody ever notices all the things she does.
5. Don't overdo it. She's most certainly susceptible to flattery, but you can bet your lunch money that she is no idiot!

Advantages of being nice

1. Even though lots of people think of her as arrogant and unfriendly, you will realize that she's quite nice once you make the effort to get to know her
2. She has a cool sense of humor flavored with just the right amount of cynicism (this is necessary to survive this kind of job, just like in HR)
3. The day you urgently need to talk to the CEO it will be much easier to get an appointment
4. You will get plenty of information about what's going on in the company
5. And finally, and I swear it happened to me, instead of waiting a couple of minutes until she gives you half her attention, can't seem to find the key, walks slowly to the cabinet and gives you one single pen, it will take her less than three seconds to hand you the key and say "Help yourself" with a smile

Bonus
This is very important, so I'll say it again: Don't overdo the flattery!
Just like Will Smith in the movie I, Robot, she's allergic to bullshit.
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HR Hater Not Too Hateful After All

Sasha at cccritique critiqued posts by Wenchie and Laurie while displaying a generally anti-HR attitude. Well, so what's new?

My HR colleagues didn't start an embarrassing flame war and Sasha joined in the discussion. The fact that both parties were open to dialogue made it not as entertaining as it could have been, but all the more interesting.

And he promised to post job ads he wants to use, so I'm looking forward to The Critique being critiqued by HR people. Lets see how the feedback pros give constructive criticism.

Oh yeah, and Sasha got lots of comments. Lots and lots. I'm jealous.

ALL HR PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!

And now comments, please ;-)
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5 Advantages Of Being Nice To IT (And How To Do It)

Be always nice to the IT guys. You can be rude to the Sales and Marketing people. In fact, they might even like you for it. But don't ever risk getting on the bad side of the Geeks.

How to be nice to the IT guys

1. Before asking for help, take a moment to admire the disassembled monstrosity lying around somewhere. Ask what it is and show interest.
2. From time to time, start a conversation with "I don't really know anything about IT..." and then say something most users wouldn't know. For example "Should I activate the BIOS password? You know, in case my laptop gets stolen?" Or "I noticed that you don't broadcast the SSID on our WIFI network. Do you recommend that I do this at home?"
3. Once you've established an informal relationship, you may call them jokingly geeks (but never ever use the work "nerd"!).
4. When they tell you that they will try to take care of your problem if and when they have a minute, say that you know they're incredibly busy and appreciate their help (instead of bitching and making threats like everybody else).
5. And most important: If required, always open a ticket instead of (or before) barging into their office.

Advantages of being nice to the geeks
(no guarantees here, but it worked a couple of times for me)

1. Your problems will be solved in less than 30 minutes while others wait 2 weeks with the same problem.
2. They will let you beta-test cool new software.
3. You will get additional RAM or a second screen.
4. You will get admin rights to your machine. Or was it just the trainee who messed up this one time ;-)
5. When you ask for a new keyboard they won't tell you to open a ticket but will walk over to the shelf and hand you their best piece.

Bonus
If your ticket gets ignored send reminders until the problem is solved. They don't mind being reminded as long as you're polite and don't contact them several times a day. This doesn't help if you have an ultra urgent problem, but it will pay off in the long run.

And if your IT guy asks you: I never said any of this!
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Fun: Another Twitter Joke

I just can't get enough of Geek And Poke. Here's another Twitter joke: Geek And Poke: The Real Followers (Creative Commons). .

I'm On Twitter

I've read many books and even more articles about personal productivity. And yet I joined Twitter.

Am I looking for more excuses to procrastinate? Did I lose my mind? Did I join out of professional interest to evaluate whether Twitter could be used to further HR's goals within a company?

None of the above (maybe number 2, a little bit...). I was simply invited and thought "what the heck, it might be fun".

Maybe I'll stop soon, maybe not. We'll see. In the meantime, you can follow my short ramblings (I think they're called "tweets") when not reading my long ones on this blog.
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Dressing Up For Business Made Simple

"Clothes make the man." And now I've even experienced it firsthand.

New dress code for The Happy Employee
I've been wearing a suit (including tie) for the last three weeks. And here are examples of how people reacted:

• A friend of mine almost choked from laughing too hard when he saw me (too bad the Stupid Kid didn't laugh harder...).
• On two separate occasions people apologized several times for something I thought wasn't even worth mentioning (this never happened before).
• And my favorite: The guy at the gas station always called me "buddy", now he calls me "Sir".

Business clothes have the advantage that, at least for men, the choices are quite restricted. Therefore you don't have to think too hard about what to wear. On the other hand good quality clothes can be quite expensive.

What you need to keep the thinking and spending to a minimum

• 2 pair of black shoes
• 2 black suits
• 5 white shirts
• 10 ties

This way you will always have spare clothes. Even if you don't manage to wash them every week, you could still wear each shirt twice (unless it's very hot, you're sweating a lot, etc.).

Only one decision to make in the morning
It's simple: "which tie should I wear today?" After all, any tie will match the rest of your black and white clothes anyway.

Tie Storage System
If this is still too much effort, store your ties in a row. Then select each morning the first one on the right and put it back on the far left in the evening. For more variation without too much additional effort, you can randomize the order of the first five ties from the right each Sunday evening.

Even Blacker
And yes, you could also decide to use black ties only, but your boss and co-workers might see this as laziness and you would certainly become the target of many Blues Brothers and Men In Black jokes.

Link
For more sophisticated information on dress codes check out Dresscode Guide.
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Random Thoughts: Work Smarter, Not Harder

I'm a bit embarrassed to say, but I always thought the expression "work smarter, not harder" was invented by Scott Adams since I first read it in a Dilbert comic.

Now I learned in Drucker's "The Essential Drucker" that it was first coined by Frederick Taylor, the father of Scientific Management.

Oh well, at least I learned something ;-)
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Casual Day 10: Final Communication To The Staff

This is the final message I sent abusing the "send to all" mailing list of my now former employer to introduce my very own brand of the "Casual Day Program".

For the previous Casual Day posts please click here and start reading in reverse order. The idea for this prank was stolen / borrowed from a post on the Career Encouragement Blog.

Week 4, Friday

Following my last email and the threats I received from Senior Management, please accept my apologies for the somewhat harsh tone of the previous announcement ("Why can't you people understand that NO MEANS NO!").

Management also asked me to mention that if you really, really want to restart the Casual Day Program, you can send a formal Project Request to [name] (Chief Projects Officer). The official request form can probably be found somewhere on the Intranet.

PS:
And for those who still have doubts... yes, it was all a joke!

meh ;-)

Final Comments

• This was published on the last day with my now former employer. The farewell apero was awesome. Thanks guys! And don't worry, I'll put the vouchers to good use. I already bought a 8 GB USB stick.
• The after party dinnner was great as well and I'll never forget the after-after-party. Thanks to the Stupid Kid, I'll take good care of La Nera!
• For Laurie: when I say former, I don't mean pformer but sformer ;-)
  

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Casual Day 9: Almost Over

I'm publishing all 10 messages introducing the "Casual Day Program" I started just before leaving my now former employer.

For the previous Casual Day posts please click here and start reading from the bottom.

Week 4, Thursday

Please note: As we already told you, HR is no longer managing the Casual Day.

Even if you send us 5 emails per day (you know who you are!), we won't restart the Casual Day Program.

Why can't you people understand that NO MEANS NO!

True Story

On Thursday of week 3 an employee called me on his day off and said:

Hi, right now I'm dressed like a hobo. But since tomorrow is a public holiday, the Casual Day is today, right?

I really miss my former Head of A&C ;-) .

Link: Packing Heat

How to deal with annoying employees (or job applicants) politely but firmly? A nice after hours party? Why HR professionals shouldn't pack heat?

I just read this excellent post called Iron at Waiter Rant.

The owner sits next to me, places the holstered gun near my right elbow, and extends his glass.

“What caliber is that thing?” I ask, pouring out three fingers of grain alcohol.

“It’s a forty-five.”

“Well,” I say. “That’s one way to keep the staff in line.”

“Work wonders with the vendors too.”

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Casual Day: Bonus

Here's a little Casual Day Special. The HR Specialist (who hated me for at least 3 minutes after Casual Day 7) received the following email from a former employee:

As a [name of company] ex-employee I regret to see that a “casual day” scheme has been setup just after I left the company. It was my wish indeed during my entire time with the company, that such system was implemented though unfortunately my requests were blatantly ignored; in all truth, I find it quite aggravating the fact that HR waited until my resignation to take action on this respect. As a result of this entire ordeal I feel it is within reason that I be compensated for the obvious psychological and physical stress I have just been put through.

Should you have any questions or require any further information, please do not hesitate to let me know.

I have no idea which idiot forwarded the Casual Day announcements to this former employee ;-)

Casual Day 7 & 8: I Know, I Missed One Day

Okay, I should have published Casual Day 7 yesterday. So consider today a Special Bonus Day with days 7 and 8!

And this is the last week! The final message will be published on Friday!

For the previous Casual Day posts please click here and start reading from the bottom.

Week 4, Tuesday

Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Please contact [name of HR Specialist] at [email address] for further information.

Comment

• My dear colleague (the HR Specialist) hated me for at least 3 minutes!

Week 4, Wednesday

Due to the unexpected complexity of the Casual Day Program, the HR Department is no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day.

Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Comment

• Nothing to do with the Casual Day Series, but I'm posting this using free Wi-Fi at a restaurant. I only had to pay for the excellent Saltimbocca Alla Romana (and some beer...).
  

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Link: There's No Bubble

Funny video claiming that there's no bubble in technology!

It even comes with its own song and since one line says "won't you blog about this song?", well, here it is.


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