J-2: Are you a successful HR professional?

This is a guest post by my "friend" Johnny. Since he talked to the media my mother is calling me 10 times a day. So I had no choice but to let him post once again...

By Jaded Johnny (J-2)

The other day I talked to a former colleague. He very proudly told me about his test that supposedly proves that he's a successful HR professional.

He said that although working in HR for 10 years he never:

• used illegal drugs
• had a nervous breakdown
• physically assaulted an employee

This, of course, is pure nonsense. In my book you're a successful HR professional if you regularly beat up employees and manage to get away with it.

I'm still working hard on reaching this state of pure bliss, but SatireWire's Employee Slapping Widespread, Effective ("Feel the stress fly off your fingertips") is always a great inspiration.

J-2: Scare Your Friends While Making Your Enemies Happy

This is a guest post by my friend Johnny. He knows stuff about me. So I let him use my blog...

By Jaded Johnny (J-2)

Scaring your friends is fun. And it's also a great way to find out who really cares about you.

If you're a man with long hair, some or all of your co-workers will ask you stupid questions like "When will you finally cut your ugly hair?" Here's what you should reply:

I'll cut my hair the day I'll start looking for a new job.

Don't say this too often. And select the right people to say it to.

Ideally, they shouldn't know you too well, so they won't be 100% sure whether you're kidding or not. They must also have a good memory, so they will remember what you said when the time is right. And finally, they should like to talk to people from other departments. This way, the day they remember what you said, the news will spread like wildfire all over the company.

Of course, this takes a lot of careful preparation and you can't rush it. But when you're sure that the time is right: Go and cut your hair!

If you don't have long hair, growing a beard will be faster (and probably just as ugly).

Women can play this game too. It's less dramatic with the hair, but it can work if you never put on make-up or wear a miniskirt.

And it's also great for teamwork. Find a partner in crime and have this person ask the question in a public situation. Possibilities are a meeting with people from other departments or at the cafeteria when everybody is pretending not to listen to your private conversation.

Be creative. Do evil. Have fun!

J-2: Template for Resignation Letter

This is a guest post by my good friend Johnny. He knows stuff about me, so I let him write on my blog...

By Jaded Johnny (J-2)

The other day an employee asked me for a resignation letter template. We in HR don't accept additional work lightly, but in this case it makes sense.

When no employees leave the company, the turnover is low and there's no need to recruit replacements. So who needs HR in a perfect world? Therefore "high turnover = job security for HR".

So I created two quick and dirty templates for resignation letters. The first one is boring, the other one should only be used if you're really pissed off.

J-2: HR cares

This is a guest post by my good friend Johnny. According to him, he's the bestest HR Manager in the world. But he also knows some stuff about me and thus convinced me that it was in my interest to let him use my blog to voice his opinions from time to time. Or else...

By Jaded Johnny (J-2)

The other day an employee interrupted one of my numerous "quality thinking sessions" (QTS). Since my office door is always closed, the knock on the door alerted me and gave me enough time to safely store my trusted cushion in the file cabinet. But I digress...

The good man had a question for me. I don't remember what he said exactly, but it had something to do with "yadda yadda... unfair... me want raise... are you actually listening... I'm entitled to... blah blah... right now."

After giving him my full attention like any HR professional would do, weighting both sides carefully and taking a sip of cold coffee (a good QTS session takes its time and coffee gets cold after some time), I asked him one question. After that the case was closed and he left.

That's the way to do it: listen closely! And instead of telling people what to do, ask them a challenging question and help them find their own answers. I think the appropriate buzz word is "empowerment".

My question was:

Just out of curiosity, what was it exactly that gave you the impression that I care?